Slytherin Conversations
by Night Essence
Summary: Conversation at the Slytherin table is never boring. Warning: Slash. Foul language. Gutter minded fun.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Slytherin Conversations  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
Summary: Conversation at the Slytherin table is never boring.  
Warning: Slash. Foul language. Gutter minded fun.  
Author's Note: I apologize for any and all spelling mistakes. Sorry.

* * *

The conversations that were held at the Slytherin table at Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were...interesting, to say the least, the very least. No one really paid attention to what went on at the Slytherin table. The Headmaster was more concerned with Harry Potter, McGonagall focused on her precious Gryffindors, and Snape...well, he knew what those kids were like and he stayed away for his own safety. Currently, all the Slytherins were present, that is, except for one Pansy Parkinson. Said brunette was rushing into the Great Hall and towards the table. Not that any of the other houses were paying attention. Pansy slowed down and sat next to Millicent and Theodore. Both gave her looks of amusement as she filled her plate and tried to catch her breath.

"Why were you late?" Millicent asked. Pansy looked at her and gave a little smirk.

"I was in the library." Draco coughed at her answer and glanced up. The brunette smirked again and began to eat her meal. Finally, Draco spoke.

"You? You went to the library? You, who never studies and vowed to be a muggle before reading an, how did you put it, oh yes, 'an old dusty book'?" Once again the girl smirked and Theodore let out a sigh of annoyance.

"Stop smirking and just tell us what you were doing."

"Ah, remember Theo, patience is a virtue." Pansy chuckled at Theodore's growl. "I was researching something for a personal project. Now if you would all kindly stop interrogating me, I would like to get back to eating." And with that Pansy continued to eat. Her friends just stared at her before going back to their meals. Blaise, always the curious little wizard, put down his fork and sighed. Everyone in the nearby area rolled their eyes and put down their own eating utensils. Anyone who knew Blaise knew that that sigh meant he had a question on his mind, a question he wouldn't stop asking till he got what he deemed an acceptable answer.

"Pansy..." Blaise whined, "why were you in the library?"

"I already told you I was researching a personal project."

"A personal project? What does that even mean? Were you looking up different sexual positions to help improve your sex life? Can I borrow the book when your done?" Draco coughed again and hit Blaise in the arm. Blaise pouted and rubbed his arm.

"No! I was not looking up things to improve my sex life. Mill and I are very happy in the bedroom." Millicent blushed and muttered under her breath, while her friends laughed.

"Like you have room to talk, Draco. Blaise obviously isn't happy if he wants to improve your sex life!" Millicent hissed. Immediately everyone stopped laughing and looked Malfoy. There was no trace of laughter on his face, but their was no trace of anger either, he was completely emotionless. Blaise fidgeted and looked back and forth between his boyfriend and friend. He decided to try and diffuse the situation.

"Hey you ever wonder what a guy is? I mean if a 'girl is wham, bam, thank you ma'am' what's a guy?" The tension immediately ceased and everyone wore looks of confusion.

"That's... an interesting question." Theodore said after a few minutes.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Draco asked, with affection coating his voice. Blaise grinned and shook his head.

"I dunno."

"I got it!" Pansy yelled. The other tables heard the yell and thought about turning around, but remembered that they liked to ignore the Slytherins and continued to eat their supper.

"Got what?" Theodore asked.

"What you call a guy! I got it! I figured it out!" Pansy let out an excited squeal.

"Would you like to share with the class?" Draco asked.

"I would love to. Thrust, fuck, thank you Chuck." Draco and Blaise snickered, Millicent and Pansy giggled, and Theodore just shook his head.

"Pans, you've got a disturbing mind." Nott stated grimly.

"Like you wouldn't believe." Millicent added.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?" Pansy asked.

"Are you really asking me that question? You're the one who has a theory that Harry Potter is gay and secretly pining after Draco even though he's with Ron." Draco gagged and Blaise grabbed his hand possessively.

"That's not a theory, it's completely true!" Theodore raised an eyebrow.

"Where's your proof?" He asked.

"Proof? Where have you guys been? He's always with Ron..." Pansy started.

"They're best friends." Blaise pointed out.

"...he's always touching Draco..."

"When they're punching each other's light out." Millicent interjected.

"...and he constantly looks at Draco during classes and meals."

"He's throwing him glares not puppy dog looks of love." Theodore tried to burst her bubble.

"What do you call that?" Pansy asked and pointed over Draco's shoulder. They all turned to look and caught Harry looking at the blond. He saw their looks and glanced away. His cheeks began to redden.

"Oh, wow." Draco said.

"No. No, wow. You're mine." Blaise said.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised that Pansy was right. I mean, the Boy Who Lived is...gay. Wow."

"If you say wow one more time, you're not getting sex." Draco shut his mouth.

"Someone's whipped." Theodore smirked.

"Yeah." Pansy giggled.

"Do you want to be in the same boat as, Draco? Don't laugh or you will be." Pansy stopped mid-giggle at Millicent's threat. Nott smirked again and made a "whipping" sound.

"Unlike you Theo, Pansy and I actually get sex." Millicent and Blaise laughed at the scowl on Theodore's face.

"Draco and Blaise lying on a bed, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. First comes lube, then penetration, next thing you know both boys are coming." Pansy sang.

"That's sick, Pans. True, but sick that you put it into song." Draco shook his head. The girl grinned and Theodore spoke up.

"I don't think that's how the song goes." All the Slytherins were silent before laughing out loud. The song spread along the table and soon all of the Slytherins were laughing. Albus Dumbledore watched the house along with the rest of the teachers.

"What are they laughing about?" McGonagall asked. She was surprised to hear such a sound from the Slytherin table. She had never heard genuine laugher from those students, only snickers and cackles. Severus shook his head.

"You probably don't want to know. I definitely don't want to know. Believe me those kids are...disturbing." Dumbledore looked at the Slytherins who were finally calming down and a twinkle appeared in his eyes.

"Now, Severus, kids will be kids."

"Yes, and monsters will be monsters." Severus remarked.

* * *

Hey! Personally, I think Severus really cares about the Slytherins but I had to add that. Did you like it?? Another one of my sad attempts at humor. Review, review!! 


	2. The Sequel

Title: Slytherin Conversations Continued

Disclaimer: I own nada.

Summary: The much awaited sequel to Slytherin Conversations, though it's certainly different, I like it. Might want to read the first one before this one.

Warning: Slash. Language. Foul-mouthedness

Author's Note: I apologize for any and all spelling/grammatical errors. And also the lack of plot.

* * *

"Does anyone know the name of that muggle song?" Pansy asked. Our favorite Slytherins were sitting in their common room doing homework when Pansy asked the asinine question. Theodore was the only one who paid her any attention.

"What song?" He asked.

"You know that song. It goes something like...Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere," Pansy started to sing. She was a little surprised when Theodore joined in.

"Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train goin' anywhere." The two singing Slytherins wrapped it up and Theodore paused a moment.

"Nope. Never heard of that song before." He went back to his homework and ignored Pansy's squawk of outrage.

"Never heard of it!?" She yelled. "You were just singing it with me!" Theodore scrunched his eyebrows up in confusion.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't know what I'm talking about!? I should punch you in the face!"

"Look, I've never heard of that song. I don't know what your problem is."

"My problem is you!" Having said that, Pansy leaped from her seat and landed next to Nott on the couch. The other Slytherins only ignored the bickering between the two and the occasional yells for help from Theodore. Draco tried to focus on his Potions homework but failed miserably. He sighed and put down his quill. He couldn't concentrate because let's face it Harry Potter, THE Harry Potter, liked him.

"You're thinking about it again." Blaise said.

"Well, of course I am. I mean, The Boy Who Lived likes me!" Blaise forgot about his own homework and turned to face his boyfriend.

"So? It doesn't change anything. You're not gonna break up with me and ask Potter out, right?" Zambini laughed until he realized Draco didn't join in. "You cannot be thinking that!?" He yelled. Draco laughed.

"Of course not! I was just joking around." Blaise punched Draco in his arm. "Ow! What was that for?"

"I didn't think it was funny." He huffed. Draco rubbed his arm.

"I did." He muttered.

"You what!?" Blaise screamed and punched Draco's other arm.

"Ow! Stop hitting me!"

"I don't think I will!" This led to the couple starting to wrestle and argue next to the other fighting Slytherins. Millicent clenched her quill in her hands till it broke in her frustration.

"Will the four of you shut the hell up!" The girl yelled at the top of her throat. Pansy, Theodore, Blaise, and Draco all stopped fighting.

"Jeez, we were just messing around." Pansy said to her girlfriend.

"What crawled up your vagina?" Theodore asked.

"Not a penis, that's for sure." Blaise commented. It took a second but soon all the teenagers burst out laughing, except for Millicent.

"I do not find that humorous." She sniffed.

"Of course you don't. It's about you." Draco, always the smart-ass, put in his two cents. Blaise started cracking up again and Theodore joined in. Millicent just glared at all the boys.

"Fine. If that's how you want to play it. I'll just tell everyone a little secret."

"Really? What secret of mine do you think you know?" Malfoy asked as he raised his eyebrow.

"You like to spank Blaise when you two have sex." Blaise choked on his laughter and turned a delicate shade of pink. Pansy giggled but tried to help her coughing friend. Millicent looked triumphant while Draco looked amused.

"Yes, I do."

"Draco!" Blaise shrieked. Draco waved him off.

"Everybody already knew that Blaise. You can barely sit at meals sometimes, I think it's pretty obvious. What else you got, Bulstrode?" The mentioned girl glared at Draco.

"You've never let Blaise top. He's always a bottom." Blaise squeaked.

"I thought you were exposing Draco's secrets! Stop talking about me!" Draco smiled, but came to his boyfriend's defense.

"Blaise is right. What do you have on me?" Millicent paused to think, and was about to speak again when Theodore interrupted.

"Hey, do you think wild cows exist?"

"Theodore," Draco rubbed his forehead, "Have you been sniffing potions again? Because one, it really pisses Snape off, and two, it messes with what little brain function you have."

"Fuck you, Draco!" Nott replied without anger.

"My job!" Blaise announced happily.

"What the hell does that question even mean? How does that fit into our previous conversation?" Pansy asked, slightly amused. The boy in question shrugged.

"I just wanted Millie and Drakey to stop fighting." Theodore responded in a childlike voice.

"Don't call me that!" Malfoy and Bulstrode shouted in unison.

"I think the cows exist." Blaise said seriously.

"What are wild cows?" Pansy asked again.

"You know how wild pigs are called boars? And wild horses are mustangs. So, what are wild cows? And if they don't have a name, do they even exist?" Nott explained.

"Bison." Parkinson guessed.

"Longhorns." Millicent suggested.

"Supper." Draco grinned. Blaise whacked him in the arm again.

"Duh. Wild cows are called wild cows. They exist. New question. Do you think it would offend Weasel if we asked Potter to join Draco and I in a threesome?" The room was silent.

"Are you serious?" Millicent asked. Blaise nodded. Pansy blushed and muttered something.

"What?" Blaise asked her.

"She said 'That's so hot.' And I agree. The three of you together...Excuse me. I have to go." Theodore jumped up from the couch and headed up the stairs. They heard a door shut.

"He went to wank off to that thought. You know that, right?" Millicent commented. Blaise nodded again and Draco coughed.

"Uh, you weren't serious were you?" Blaise smiled.

"What do you think?"

"Oh, for the love of Salazar! Why can't you be normal?" The four Slytherins turned to see Professor Snape standing in the doorway. "I just came in to check on my students. And what do I hear? Talk of cows and threesomes with Potter!" Snape shivered. "I hate you! All of you! You are the worst house I've had in years!" Severus finished his tirade and left, slamming the door behind him. The students were quiet.

"He loves us." Blaise offered.

"Yeah. He really does." Draco agreed. Pansy and Millicent nodded.

"I think the name of that song was 'Don't Stop Believing' by the way. Journey sings it. Just, uh, throwing that out there." A random fifth year said to the group before leaving the common room and going up the stairs.

"Who was that?" Millicent asked.

"No clue. Has he been standing there the whole time?" Pansy asked. The others shrugged.

"So, were you, uh, serious about Potter?" Draco asked again.

* * *

I realize it doesn't have the same flow that the original does, but I like it. I love the part with Snape. He's funny. Comments?


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